he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
