So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
