Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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