i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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