i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
