yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
