You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
