You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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