maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
