Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
