I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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