dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I could fuck to npr.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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