my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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