Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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