none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
