the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
