I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
