i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
