I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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