closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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