i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So squirting runs in the family.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
