we made out on top of his cat.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
