I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
