I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
