Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
