omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
