I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
