She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
