I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Vodka?
Forever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize