We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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