there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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