My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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