i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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