Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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