I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
