There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
