i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
