So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
