I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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