you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
