apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
