I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
