You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
