he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
