i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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