Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The beer is more important than you right now.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
