Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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