whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
