I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
