dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
soo... how was my night?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
