did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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