I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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