She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
