I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize