Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
