I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
