Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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