Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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