dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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