you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
