Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
