we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
