Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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