so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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