I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
