**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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