id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
