i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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