thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
