i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
