I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
