my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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