Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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