I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
